Topics in Parenting Agreements

Most mediated Parenting Agreements address at least three topics: decision making, the parenting schedule, and child support. The first, whether one parent will make most of the decisions alone or the two parents will confer with each other when making major decisions about the children’s care and upbringing, is sometimes labeled in court as legal custody. The parenting schedule describes the times when each parent will have responsibility for the kids. The schedule written into the Parenting Agreement usually includes both the routine schedule and the holiday and vacation schedule. It sometimes includes agreements about how to handle it when one parent requests a temporary change in the schedule, such as swapping weekends so that kids can see their visiting grandparents.

After those major decisions are made, the following topics may also be included in a written, partially enforceable Parenting Agreement.

Respect and Affection for Both Parents

Parents often include a promise that each will encourage the children’s respect and affection for the other parent. Neither will do anything to estrange the children from the other parent or to hamper the free and natural development of the children’s love and affection for the other parent. In some cases parents want also to promise in writing that they will not make offensive, obscene, profane, threatening, harassing, or vulgar phone calls, emails, text messages, or other communications to the other parent. 

Transportation

Some parents see no need to write down who will drop the kids off or who will pick them up when they go from home to home. If the parents live relatively near to each other, in the same school district, and communicate comfortably, it may be easy to make such plans on a day-to-day basis. If the distance between homes is large, work schedules allow little or no flexibility, or airplanes are involved, it may be wise to write down who will drive the children when. If being vague or ignoring the topic now is likely to lead to angry arguments later, it is probably best to agree on default transportation plans and include them in your Parenting Agreement.

Handling Schedule Changes

How will you handle disruptions in your planned parenting schedule? There are two ways that parents often choose, and they are opposites of each other. One is to include a Preference for Parental Care clause stating that when one parent is unable to take care of the children for several hours, the first person that parent will invite to care for the children is the other parent. The other approach uses a Respect for the Other Parent’s Time clause. Each parent will be fully responsible for making all necessary child care arrangements and child transportation arrangements for the times when the children are scheduled to be in his or her care. Except in rare, urgent circumstances, neither parent will ask the other to cover for him or her.

Life happens and people need to make adjustments, so people often include a clause like this about schedule variations: “The details of this parenting schedule may be changed at any time by mutual agreement of both parents. To avoid misunderstandings, it is recommended that any major changes be put in writing. A clear exchange of emails is enough to put an agreement in writing.”

Handling Problems

A variety of problems arise in children’s lives: neglecting homework, experimenting with drugs, making poor dating choices, shoplifting, bullying or being bullied, addiction to video games, and so on. Some co-parents make proactive choices to inform each other of such concerns and to work together to prevent or handle the problems that arise. Some promise to support or at least not to undermine the other parent’s decisions about disciplining the children. In such cases it may be important to make it clear that one parent will not impose a punishment that must be enforced by the other parent. 

Social media

If co-parents are able to agree about boundaries for their children’s use of social media, they may include those rules in their written agreement. 

Periodic Review

What schedule will work best for your children and what activities are appropriate for them change as they grow older. Some parents decide to meet once a year, perhaps in June, to consider whether they need to update their parenting plan or add details about plans for the next year. Some promise each other that if they disagree about something important and are unable to resolve the matter on their own, they will return to mediation before addressing the matter in a courtroom.

New Romantic Partners

Many parents want to protect their children from exposure to a series of the parents’ dating partners. One obvious statement they can include in their written Parenting Agreement is that neither parent will let a dating partner stay overnight with him or her when any of the children are present in the home. Some parents choose to write other restrictions. A common one is not having a parent’s dating partner do things with the children until the relationship has lasted at least six months and seems likely to continue for a long time.

Big Changes

New life partners and new job opportunities sometimes prompt a parent to consider moving far away from the place where they have been participating in their children’s lives and communities. To protect the children from mostly losing one parent or being subjected to a child custody battle when one parent wants to move away, some parents include in their initial Parenting Agreement a statement about how they will handle such decisions.

Summary

For some parents, clarifying who will make which childrearing decisions and deciding when the children will have time with each parent seem sufficient. Other parents, especially those who know they are likely to get into arguments in the future, are well advised to think things through at the beginning and include many more details in their written Parenting Agreements. Whether each of the topics mentioned above should be included in your Parenting Agreement is a question for you and your children’s other parent to decide, with help from a mediator if needed.

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