Shared Parenting

Recently I had a long conversation* with Dr. Ned Holstein, Founder and Chair of the National Parents Organization (NPO). NPO seeks better lives for children through family law reform that establishes equal rights and responsibilities for fathers and mothers after divorce or separation. The organization is focused on promoting shared parenting and preserving a child’s strong bonds with both parents. These bonds, Dr. Holstein says, are critically important to the emotional, mental, and physical health of the children.

Half of the children in the U.S. are growing up away from one of their biological parents. Courts often deprive children of the opportunity to spend ample amounts of time with each of their parents. The National Parents Organization has issued the nation’s first comprehensive review of child custody statutes as they relate to shared parenting in separation and divorce cases. It found that family courts award sole custody, usually to the mother, in 83% of child custody cases. 

If one parent is abusive or otherwise unfit, sole custody for the other parent makes sense. If there is a significant history of domestic violence, trying to share parenting might be a bad idea. 

In almost all other cases, shared parenting produces better outcomes for children. This appears to be true for everything researchers measure: how kids feel about themselves, how they are doing in school and in extra-curricular activities, whether they get involved in gangs, whether they get arrested, teen pregnancies, substance abuse, depression. Kids whose separated parents share raising them do better than kids in sole custody of one parent, with the other not much involved, on every measure.

Until 2014, judges, lawyers, mediators, therapists, and others involved in helping parents make such decisions did not have strong evidence about whether shared parenting was best for children. “In 2014, three separate, highly regarded reviews of decades of child development research concluded that shared parenting is best for children,” says Dr. Holstein.

Here they are. In a 2014 publication of the American Psychological Association, Richard A. Warshak summarized decades of research about very young children spending large amounts of time, including overnight stays, with each of their separated or divorced parents. One hundred and ten researchers and practitioners endorsed his conclusions and recommendations. The primary conclusion? Regular and frequent involvement, including overnights, with both parents is best for children, including babies and toddlers. The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts also published a statement in favor of shared parenting in 2014. The International Council on Shared Parenting, based in Germany and representing twenty countries, mostly in Europe, convened one hundred experts and came to same conclusion. By severely limiting one parent’s time with his or her children, family courts are actively hurting children.

Given the opportunity, most children love both of their parents. Why not let them have both parents?

*The full conversation with Dr. Holstein is available here.

Disclaimer: As family mediators, we support parents in making the best decisions they can about what will be best for their children in their unique circumstances. This article reports on some research and on the conclusions of some groups of experts. We do not pressure parents to base their decisions on these conclusions. This article is for informational purposes only. Nothing here should be construed as legal advice. The author, Virginia L Colin, Ph.D. is a Professional Family Mediator certified by the Virginia Supreme Court. She is not an attorney or a therapist. For a free consultation about whether family mediation would be helpful for you, contact Dr. Colin at mediatorQ@gmail.com or 703-864-2101.