Heroic Parents vs. Custody Battles

Heroic Dads

That stereotype about African American men leaving single moms with all the work and little child support is contradicted by a number of dads I have worked with. They have been fighting to be allowed to be full-fledged parents, keeping their babies half of each week, supervising older kids’ homework, taking care of dinner, bath time, bed time, getting the children to school in the morning, etc. I have nothing but admiration for these men.

Heroic Moms

A lot of moms do things that are really hard — driving long distances and giving up holidays so that their kids can also have their dads fully involved in their lives, tolerating the presence of dad’s new girlfriend in their children’s lives, keeping quiet about all the awful things the dad did to the mom because the mom does not want to damage the child’s relationship with the dad, etc. I have nothing but admiration for these women.

Custody Battles

I have lost count of the sad, sad stories I have heard about people who tried mediation but failed to reach an agreement. Sometimes I get really angry at one or both lawyers involved in the case for using tactics that intensify fear and anger in the clients. The increased conflict does a lot of emotional damage to everyone in the family. (But this is not an anti-attorney rant. Many family law attorneys are good people who are respectfully trying to help their clients reach reasonable settlements.)

I had one case in which both parents told me the other person was a good parent even though they fought abusively with each other. Both were willing for the father to have 3-day weekends with the preschool child. Then, as if speaking for the mother, the mom’s attorney told the judge that “we” were not comfortable with the dad having any overnight visitation. So a war that I could have ended went on for months of hearings and arguments and anger. The mom’s attorney probably thought he was doing what was best for the mother and the child. Living in a war zone is almost never best for a child.

In another case a dad wanted shared custody but the mom wanted sole custody and would not compromise in mediation. The dad paid about 140% of his gross annual income to his attorney, putting himself deeply in debt for the next several years. The mom probably paid more. Money that could have paid for two or three years of college left the family. Even worse, the kids were in a war zone for more than a year. Both parents were anxious and angry. The kids never knew when they would be allowed to see their dad again. In the end, the judge ordered shared custody, but much of the damage to the children appears to be irreversible. The parents were so busy finding weapons they could use against each other and dealing with their own emotions that the kids had to take care of themselves much of the time.

Custody battles are hell for all members of the family. Please, work it out in mediation.

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